Losing a loved one

They say that time heals all wounds, but if this is true, then why does my heart ache just as much, sometimes more than it did five years ago? Losing Mom was devastating for several reasons. The same reasons, I guess, that make it so hard to "move on" without her. She was my safety and security--my backup; She was my support and also my attitude adjustment (yes, even as an adult she would still set me straight). She was the matrix that bound us together. She was my confidant, and most importantly my best friend.
As I go on, I often compare my decisions, actions, parenting, etc. to what I think she would have done. I hope that I can and will be all that she was to me, especially in the eyes of my children.

Tough Questions

There comes a time in every parent's life when their child asks a question that is very difficult to answer. I'm not referring to the ol' "Birds and Bees" conversation, either. I'm talking about the really difficult questions.

Chase has recently been asking me about his Granny (my late mom). He wants to know where she is, but is confused by the answers I give him. I try to explain that his Granny's soul is with the Angels, but her body is gone, and we visit her soul in the cemetery. This is a difficult concept even for me to accept, let alone a 5 year old. He asks me if she can see him. Hard to answer. Physically, no. But her soul watches over us everyday. Again, hard to understand for a kid.

I do my best to present it to him in a way he can understand. I guess for now, I'm just content that he thinks of her, even if he can't understand the circumstances yet.

The Winter Blahs

Officially, we are only beginning the winter season. Emotionally, I have had enough of this winter stuff and am ready for spring. Glorious spring! Warm air, sunshine, green grass, clothes hanging on the line. Ahhhh. It's amazing how much my spirits are lifted by the onset of spring. I am such a warm weather person.

I would love to take another trip to sunny Florida to visit my close friends, Mary Ann and Tom, in the spring again this year. Alas, it is not likely to happen this year. We are trying to eliminate our consumer debt as soon as possible, therefore many luxuries will have to wait for a year or two. But, in the end, the sacrifices will be well worth the rewards! It will be wonderful and liberating to be free of the bondage of debt. I am more excited about becoming debt-free, than I am willing to indulge myself in spurts of frivolous behavior. After we have paid our debts, the money we spend on recreation will actually be ours to spend, not money we owe others. Then, we will truly have something to celebrate!!

P.S. The Stretch-n-Grow business is for sale if anyone is interested!!

Merry Christmas!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I hope that everyone has a joyous and happy Christmas. I will be soaking up the love of my children, enjoying the company of the rest of my family and friends, and remembering my mom.

Reconnecting with God

These past 4 years, I have been fighting a battle in my head and my heart. Life has changed so drastically from what I imagined it would be like at this point. Mainly due to the loss of Mom. She was the center of our family, and the binding that kept us together and connected as a whole. Not to mention that I loved her dearly, and miss her everyday. Every time the kids are doing something adorable, loving or just plain cute, I think of how much she missed since her life was ended too soon to experience them. Now I'm just rambling, so I'll move on.

I've had many a conversation with God about Mom. Never questioning "why", just expressing my trouble in dealing with her absence. While I never got a divine message in a vision, or heard the voice of God speaking to me, I know He was always listening and comforting my heart.

In the past few months, I really felt a need to go back to church, which is obviously His plan. So, after some reluctance, I did go one Sunday. Took the kids. As the preacher was talking, I knew that God meant for me to hear those words. It was exactly what I needed, and it seemed as though the sermon was being told just for me. Who knows, maybe the sermon that everyone else there heard was not the same one that fell on my ears. What I know is this, God spoke to me that day, and the weight I had been carrying for the past several years got a little lighter.

Then, of course, life got in the way and I missed a few Sundays. The pull on my heart came again, and I knew not to ignore it. So, back to church I went. And again, God spoke to me, but not in the sermon this time. He chose to give me His message through a prayer for someone else. Yes, we were praying for someone else, but the message behind it was going straight to my heart. As I am sure it was meant to.

As the pain in my heart is slowly eased by Him, He is replacing it with the desire to learn, live and understand His Word. I have been drawn to read the Bible more, talk more to people about God, and to learn about what the Bible tells us. I also want to try harder to live a life according to His instruction.

The bottom line is, I have to accept that only He can give me the peace I am looking for. I cannot make it for myself. And I will find that peace only through Him and living the Word of God.

Gonna work on it.